Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Accountant's Ledger: Entry 4

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“I. Am kriffing tired. Of every freaking marriage that I have to keep hearing about. I am tired of all this lovely dovey crap. All of the damn planning that people keep doing, all of the stupid rings people keep wearing, and of all the damn 'I love yous' and everything else. I swear, if I had ten credits for every couple I saw who was getting hitched, I could buy enough booze to kill me. But I hear it all the kriffing time.

“Let me tell you something from four years of marriage. Ain't. Worth it. You wanna settle down for no good reason. Oh. Wait. I'm sorry. You wanna settle down because you wuv somebody so much that you just can't live without them or some BS thing. Do you idiots not get how boring that sounds? To just stop and settle? What the hell are you gonna do all day? Cuddle and knit or something? Why? What does it do for you? Hell, maybe it's for tax purposes! Is that it? Doubt it.

“And half of you idiots that talk about settling down? You won't. A lot of you idiots talking about getting married? Might not. And if you do. How long's that gonna last, I mean really? It's only a matter of time before you slam face first into a brick wall, and get bored, and then what. Oh, I can guess. With the way everything else works everywhere else in the galaxy, one of you'll probably get possessed or kidnapped. Have fun with that. Might wanna prepare ahead of time. Or something. Never know.

“'Oh but how would you know it's pointless'? Because. I can guess. Because I know how easily people get bored. And it's only a matter of time, for all of you 'I'm gonna settle down' idiots. It's a matter of time, before you get bored, and you do something either stupid, or something more exciting than sitting on your ass. And good for you. Do that. Probably all the excitement you'll be getting, outside of kriffing. Which apparently for some idiots is some sort of pass time. Seriously. You people call me crazy and you kriff constantly for fun. That can't be healthy. In the slightest.

“'But I love them'! But you love them? What the hell is love? Do you know? It's something your brain came up with to justify you mating with someone for life, for the sake of making offspring. That's what your little romance is all about, in the end. That's what all romance is about in the end. Kriffing. Children. Dead. Then those kids can do the same thing, and woo hoo, continuation of a species. Big kriffin' win all around, right? Hey. Whatever you wanna think, I guess. We all know my opinion isn't yours. Far from it.

“Doesn't help that people get way too worked up over these things. What to wear, what music to play, who should I invite, where should it be, what will my ring look like? When the hell'd you all get so vain! It's annoying! No one cares but you! 'Oh she looks so beautiful'. Yeah. I'm sure the worms that'll be eating your corpse eventually'll think of that. Enjoy that thought. Really. Hope you do.

“Take a piece of advice from me. First piece of advice on marriage? Don't. Do. Not. End of story! Life's so much simpler now for you! No more significant other? One less birthday to remember! One less gift to buy on Life Day! One less person you have to worry about getting brutally murdered by people like me because they ticked somebody off for some dumb reason and got a price put on their head, followed by a bolt through their brains! Though if that happens, hey, can't say I didn't warn you.

“Second piece. Keep it simple, stupid. That's a saying. I think. Somewhere it probably is. What are you gonna wear? Who cares? Why do you need music? Why does anyone need to be there? Should matter to only two people. Screw everyone else. Not literally, please, all of you kriff-obsessed people. That's still disturbing. Where? Hell if I know. Somewhere that doesn't have air that'll kill you, and that doesn't smell like a garbage dumb. So preferably not Quesh, or Hutta, I guess. Again. Why does it really matter. Only one other person should matter.

“What qualifies me to criticize all of you, and say this stuff, you're asking? Married. Five years. Five. Years. So yeah. I think I've got a bit of experience compared to you. Alright it's not the most normal of marriages. So what? Ain't seen my husband more than a few times over that five years. You know what that means? We never fight. We never argue over dumb things, we never get bored of each other, and we never have to worry about getting hitched or attached again! Perfect marriage, thank you very much.

“No. I don't even 'love' him. Quit saying I do.”

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