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'Log' 4/Audio Log 1. Subject: “Marriage and Love”.
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“I. Am kriffing
tired. Of every freaking marriage that I have to keep hearing about.
I am tired of all this lovely dovey crap. All of the damn planning
that people keep doing, all of the stupid rings people keep wearing,
and of all the damn 'I love yous' and everything else. I swear, if I
had ten credits for every couple I saw who was getting hitched, I
could buy enough booze to kill me. But I hear it all the kriffing
time.
“Let me tell
you something from four years of marriage. Ain't. Worth it. You wanna
settle down for no good reason. Oh. Wait. I'm sorry. You wanna settle
down because you wuv somebody so much that you just can't live
without them or some BS thing. Do you idiots not get how boring
that sounds? To just stop and settle? What the hell are you gonna do
all day? Cuddle and knit or something? Why? What does
it do for you? Hell, maybe it's for tax purposes! Is that it? Doubt
it.
“And half of
you idiots that talk about settling down? You won't. A lot of you
idiots talking about getting married? Might not. And if you do. How
long's that gonna last, I mean really? It's only a matter of time
before you slam face first into a brick wall, and get bored, and then
what. Oh, I can guess. With the way everything else works everywhere
else in the galaxy, one of you'll probably get possessed or
kidnapped. Have fun with that. Might wanna prepare ahead of time. Or
something. Never know.
“'Oh but how
would you know it's pointless'? Because. I can guess. Because I know
how easily people get bored. And it's only a matter of time, for all
of you 'I'm gonna settle down' idiots. It's a matter of time, before
you get bored, and you do something either stupid, or something more
exciting than sitting on your ass. And good for you. Do that.
Probably all the excitement you'll be getting, outside of kriffing.
Which apparently for some idiots is some sort of pass time.
Seriously. You people call me crazy and you kriff constantly for fun.
That can't be healthy. In the slightest.
“'But I love
them'! But you love them? What the hell is love? Do you know?
It's something your brain came up with to justify you mating with
someone for life, for the sake of making offspring. That's what your
little romance is all about, in the end. That's what all romance is
about in the end. Kriffing. Children. Dead. Then those kids can do
the same thing, and woo hoo, continuation of a species. Big kriffin'
win all around, right? Hey. Whatever you wanna think, I guess. We all
know my opinion isn't yours. Far from it.
“Doesn't help
that people get way too worked up over these things. What to
wear, what music to play, who should I invite, where should it be,
what will my ring look like? When the hell'd you all get so vain!
It's annoying! No one cares but you! 'Oh she looks so beautiful'.
Yeah. I'm sure the worms that'll be eating your corpse eventually'll
think of that. Enjoy that thought. Really. Hope you do.
“Take a piece
of advice from me. First piece of advice on marriage? Don't. Do. Not.
End of story! Life's so much simpler now for you! No more significant
other? One less birthday to remember! One less gift to buy on Life
Day! One less person you have to worry about getting brutally
murdered by people like me because they ticked somebody off for some
dumb reason and got a price put on their head, followed by a bolt
through their brains! Though if that happens, hey, can't say I didn't
warn you.
“Second piece.
Keep it simple, stupid. That's a saying. I think. Somewhere it
probably is. What are you gonna wear? Who cares? Why do you need
music? Why does anyone need to be there? Should matter to only two
people. Screw everyone else. Not literally, please, all of you
kriff-obsessed people. That's still disturbing. Where? Hell if I
know. Somewhere that doesn't have air that'll kill you, and that
doesn't smell like a garbage dumb. So preferably not Quesh, or Hutta,
I guess. Again. Why does it really matter. Only one other person
should matter.
“What qualifies
me to criticize all of you, and say this stuff, you're asking?
Married. Five years. Five. Years. So yeah. I think I've got a bit of
experience compared to you. Alright it's not the most normal of
marriages. So what? Ain't seen my husband more than a few times over
that five years. You know what that means? We never fight. We never
argue over dumb things, we never get bored of each other, and we
never have to worry about getting hitched or attached again! Perfect
marriage, thank you very much.
“No. I don't
even 'love' him. Quit saying I do.”
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